Let the healing begin!
When a person is suffering from an unidentified pain or ailment, he contacts a medical professional whom he hopes will give him a diagnosis and a cure. What is true about a physical malady is also true about a spiritual malady. Right now, an overwhelming percentage of Christian families are suffering from the pain of family division and need divine healing. This study is meant to help diagnose a few of the reasons for such divisions and propose possible healing from a Biblical (divine) perspective. Hopefully, it will be helpful for those who have suffered from family division in the past, those suffering from it now, and possibly help some avert division in their future families.
God’s Plan for the Family
There are generally accepted standards in the medical field that are used in diagnosing illnesses. For example, when bloodwork is run, the reports usually show a normal range (standard) and then identify abnormalities compared to that range. The normal range for hemoglobin might be between 12.0 and 16.0. If the test identifies a level of 8.0, then a problem as been identified. Similarly, God has graciously revealed in His Word the perfect plan for the family. The health of any Christian family can be determined by comparing its attributes to that plan. Obviously, if there are parts of that plan that are missing, ignored, or just unknown, the family will struggle. What follows are just a few principles from God’s plan, but they are enough to identify some major “abnormalities” causing family division.
1. Husbands are to love (agape love/sacrificial love) their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it. Ephesians 5:25
2. Wives are to submit to their husbands as the Church does to Christ. Ephesians 5:22-24
3. The father is to be the main source of spiritual nurture and growth for children. Ephesians 6:4
4. Mothers are to support their husbands in his spiritual responsibility. Proverbs 31:26
5. Children are to honor their parents “in the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1-3
Simple, right? Simple truths, but honoring them is complex, difficult and requires enormous faith in God, the power of the Holy Spirit and application of His Word. In fact, after pastoring thousands of families over a period of more than 45 years, I can think of only a few families that reflected these attributes. Unfortunately, I was not one of the few. Only as I grew older was I aware of this fact.
Let the Healing begin!
Often when couples come to me for counseling I have them make two lists: the first list is their spouse’s faults in the family division and the second list is their own faults. The first list, their spouse’s faults, usually requires extra paper so many are listed. The second list is usually very short and includes such substantive issues as, “I probably should open the door for my wife” or “I don’t clean the house like I should.” We are experts when it comes to the sins of others, but ignorant when it comes to our own.
STEP ONE
“All the ways of a man are right in his own eyes…” (Proverbs 16:2a)
God tells us we are not objective when it comes to ourselves, so the starting point of healing family division is understanding we need to get the log out of our own eye before we try to remove the speck from someone else’s. (Matthew 7:3-5) Our first concern must be our own obedience to God’s plan and discovering where we might have sinned or be sinning.
STEP TWO
“Against You, You only, have I done this evil in your sight…” Psalm 51:4
Since it is God who makes all the commandments, all sin is primarily against Him. He commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves and even though we can sin against our neighbor by not loving him or her, we are still breaking God’s commandment and sinning against Him if we don’t. Unfortunately, this is a disappearing understanding. Where is the love of God in people that says, “ I want my every thought, word and deed to be in harmony with Your perfect will?” Where is the fear of God that says, “Help me! I want to please You and not fall under Your disciplining hand for my sin!”
STEP THREE
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9
Notice this passage says we are to confess our sins. Many churches have as a part of their worship services a section labeled “The Confession of Sins.” However, what they are usually doing is confessing their sinfulness, not specific sins. This passage says we are to confess our sins, specific sins. Only as we look for them in our life will we discover them and be able to find a victory over them. If in reviewing the previous family “principles,” we see personal failures/sin, then we should confess them to God, rejoice in His forgiveness, seek to change and watch the healing of division begin. If we are unwilling to accept our own responsibility in the division, but only confess the faults of others, then we are a stumbling stone to family healing.
Now let’s get personal. Do you really want to resolve the division in your family? Then find a quiet place and pray the prayer of the Psalmist (139:23-24):
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
If you mean it, then He will search you, reveal what you asked and lead you into victory. Here are some thoughts that might help in your self-evaluation. Consider them on whatever plane is relevant to you. You may relate them to past relationships or current relationships or both.
1. Husbands are to love (agape love/sacrificial love) their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it. Ephesians 5:25
Do/Did you love your wife as Christ loved the Church?
Do/Did you study the Word together regularly, especially when seeking solutions to problems?
Do/Did you pray with her daily over family matters (not form prayers)?
Do/Did you honor her within the family and in public? Proverbs 31:31
2. Wives are to submit to their husbands as the Church does to Christ. Ephesians 5:22-24
Are/were you content with discussing issues with your husband and then submitting to his decisions?
Do/did people think you are a quiet and gentle woman? I Peter 3:3-6
Do/did you speak well of him to others or complain about him?
Does/did your husband trust you with his heart, reputation, etc. Proverbs 31:11
Do/did you seek ways to do him good, that is to build him up? Proverbs 31:12
3. The father is to be the main source of spiritual nurture and growth for children. Ephesians 6:4
Do/Did you lead your family spiritually and freely discuss God and His Word throughout the day? Deuteronomy 6:6-9
Do/Did you teach the children from the Bible individually and counsel them individually according to their needs? Ephesians 6:4
When they need/needed correction, do/did you use God’s Word? Ephesians 6:4
Do/did you pray with them daily (not form prayers)? I Thessalonians 5:17
4. Mothers are to support their husbands in his spiritual responsibility. Proverbs 31:26
Do/Did you work with your husband in developing a family spiritual life?
As he has leads/led (and if he did not lead), do/did you minister God’s Word to your children daily?
Do/Did you pray with your children daily over their issues (not form prayers)?
5. Children are to honor their parents “in the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1-3
Do/did you talk to your parents respectfully?
Do/did you listen to their Biblical counsel?
Do/did you look forward to praying with your parents?
Do/did you look forward to or pursue studying God’s Word with your parents if possible?
Would those people who know you say you “honor” your parents?
God does not say in His Word going to church is adequate spiritual nurture for a united family. He does not say it is the pastor’s responsibility to supply all the spiritual nurture necessary to maintain a united family (Although it should be said he is responsible to teach and oversee the implementation of God’s plan in the family. Most pastors don’t have a clue what is happening spiritually in the congregation’s families.). Sunday School and Youth Groups are helpful, but only supplemental. I ask married couples who are divided, “Are you praying together? Are you studying God’s Word together? Are you serving the Lord together?” Almost without exception they say, “No.” I ask parents with rebellious and godless children, “Did you pray with them? Did you teach them from the Bible to love God and adopt His plan for their life?” They usually say, “No, but we took them to church, they were in youth groups, they attended Sunday School and we even enrolled them in Christian schools.” All of that is not enough. They needed to live in the context of the five principles listed here and the hundred of others that are a part of God’s perfect plan. Their children were spiritually starved to death.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on you own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He will direct your paths.”
Please do not lose heart. Now is the time to stop leaning on your own understanding, but trust in the God Who sacrificed His Son for your forgiveness, acknowledge His plan for your life in all your ways so that He will direct your paths. He will straighten them out!
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